A 'Bump in the Road'

Our adult daughter,age 20, whom we adopted at the age of seven, walked out angry last week. She has not been home since.

She had a horrible childhood, or so I hear. Granted she was in trouble quite often and frequently had to hear me yell at her. She lost privileges on a routine basis. Apparently, I’ve exaggerated those stories, she was never that naughty, or so I hear.

If I point out that, she maintained the same placement for 14 years without respite care, when many families would have disrupted, I’m accused of seeking martyrdom. When I’m accused of not displaying love or affection for her on a regular basis, I remember the countless nights of tears and prayers, begging God to help me stick it out, just one more day. We did give her every possible opportunity for success that we could think of doing.

Every summer for nine years, she went to summer camp. When she was 17, we took a family missions trip to Mexico. Every Sunday she went to Sunday school, every Wednesday she went to Childrens programs. Once she was old enough, she attended youth group every Wednesday night without fail and participated in several Bible Study Groups.

She took horseback riding lessons and piano lessons for several years. She belonged to 4-H and won awards in her Bible Quiz Team. She turned 16 and became gainfully employed. When she turned in her application, she was hired on the spot, and began working immediately. She was provided a new car, which she paid on along with her insurance.

She was homeschooled most of her life, with the exception of 10th and 12 grades in which she attended a Christian school and recieved her diploma. She passed a college freshman English course while in eleventh grade in high school with a B. She attended one of the best Bible Colleges full-time, free of charge.

I wish my parents had treated me so badly.

This is just another page in our story. I am trusting God to accomplish that which he has set out to do.

"It's Complicated..."

Earlier today, I was convinced that if there was a picture in the dictionary next to the definition "it's complicated", it would be a picture of my family.

As we continue to face life's challenges, they seem to be ever increasing in complexity. Methods used in 'normal' situations seem to rarely 'work' when dealing with individuals with hidden disabilities.

Imagine someone very close to you having a serious integrity issue, yet refusing to acknowledge the fact that they have a problem in the first place. Or, when admitting the problem, absolutely refusing to take necessary steps to correct it.

Let's take, for example, that of chronic lying and the need to humble oneself, admit fault and ask forgiveness.

I suppose this type of behavior 'avoidance' is common enough in "normal" situations. I mean afterall, who wants to admit their own faults and failures?

But, let's take it a step further... What if compounding this situation with the fact that there is little to no apparent conscious and zero trace of humility concerning this behavior?

Then... if that weren't enough, an all out concentrated effort to superimpose their own hurt and pain so intently toward those that care about them the most, in an attempt to force those caring most to mirror back the image of their own hurt?

But what if...

What if this person has been severely depraved, neglected and abused?

What if they could tell you the real reasons behind their behavior?

(~begin quote)

"You see, I really cannot express my deep hurt and pain myself because that would mean letting my guard down and exposing my deepest fears. I have spent most of my life building up layers and layers to protect myself from being hurt and neglected ever again.

I cannot possibly tell the truth because it would mean trusting again, and I could never allow myself to trust again, because I did that before and was hurt every time.

But, you see, there are times that I hurt so bad and I am not physically or emotionally able to keep anymore of this pain inside. I must somehow get it out, so I will project it through you until I see you expressing these feelings that I cannot possibly allow myself to express.

Then I will be satisfied for a little while.

By doing it this way, I am able to maintain my level of protection, yet be able to get some relief from my pain. When I sense the frustration and pain building again, I will exhibit some type of negative behavior (probably telling a lie about you), in order to start the process all over again, to allow the release of this deep hurt, anger and frustration and intense pain."

(~end quote)

Yes, this scenario is extremely difficult to imagine, but it is very much a reality in an ever increasing amount of families' lives today. Particularly those families who have adopted or birth children who have hidden disabilities resulting from neglect and deprivation in the early stages of childhood by one or both birth parents or care-givers. Imagine being the one that cares for this person. Imagine being the 'scape goat' for their pain.

After personally experiencing a similar scenario within our own family and yet again being the "scape goat" or "whipping post", the usual wallowing in self pity began. I found myself telling God, "I can't take anymore of this!!". Then, the conversation between Peter and Jesus suddenly resounded in my spirit loud and clear....

"Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven." Matt 18:21&22

Not to mention our Lord's command in Mark 11:26

"But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses.".

And finally, Jesus' ultimate plea for our forgiveness on the cross..

"Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for ... they know not what they do". Luke 23:34

They know not what they do....

It suddenly became crystal clear.. just because others do not ask for or deserve forgiveness (regardless of the reasons), is no reason for us not forgive. And, an 'eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth' cannot possibly apply, particularly when it comes to dealing with our children and hidden disabilities. For.. THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO.

I mean, seriously, if a family member has a physical disability such as a deformed foot, for example, should they be 'unforgiven' and cast away? One of the few differences in an 'exposed' disability and an 'hidden' disability is that the deformed foot is in view and the emotional disability is hidden. Sure, one can 'get around' with the deformed foot. There are things like wheelchairs and special shoes, but you still have to take special safety precautions so that the individual will not get hurt, or hurt others around them.

Families with hidden disabilities can "get around" too. We just have to find out what steps to take to ensure our own safety and the safety of those around us. And as 'complicated' as it may seem to us, God knows our every need. He made us in His own image and knows the plans he has for us, that of success.

Today, we must continually research positive ways to deal with our situation while trusting God to show us each step that He wants us to take in order to conform us to His Image.

I believe the first step is that of forgiveness, in every aspect of all of our lives, whether you are the person with the disability, a parent, grandparent, sibling, extended family member, church family or friend.

It's "complicated", yes, but what an opportunity to show Christ's love than to love someone with a hidden disability?

I am thine, O Lord, I have heard thy voice,
and it told thy love to me;
but I long to rise in the arms of faith
and be closer drawn to thee.

Draw me nearer, nearer, blessed Lord,
to the cross where thou hast died.
Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer, blessed Lord,
to thy precious, bleeding side.

Learning Lessons~Life's way

It is difficult enough to address common sense issues such as holding down a job,finances,general relationships, etc., with someone who experiences hidden disabilities. But when it comes the time of life that they begin to experience feelings and desires for the opposite sex, there is an increasing amount of variables involved. So much so that one is almost guaranteed to have setbacks in other areas.

My daughter had been doing so well! I was sharing with a friend just how good she seemed to be doing and at that very moment a situation arose that would prove quite the contrary. All of a sudden, whatever progress we had made up to that point seemed to have gone 'out the window'. It was like she experienced a 'short circuit' or 'blew a fuse'.

Over the course of the next few hours, I learned that much of the old behavior had returned.. After much prayer and consideration, it appears that all this may have happened because of not knowing what to do about certain 'feelings' or desires she may have encountered along the way.

Ironically, we are taking an online college course in early childhood education and just today read what should have been my daughter's life story from birth to age three, (the 'informative years'). She learned that certain consistent relationships are needed very early in life in order to form the foundations necessary to lead a healthy life. Without this stimulation, things are not quite "connected in the brain" as she put it.

I asked if she knew what the cure was for someone that did not experience this early foundation. She was quick to say that there is no cure. This opened the door for me to tell her that the Bible says she was 'fearfully and wonderfully made', and that God made no mistakes.

I gave her a big hug and told her that knowing and believing that God loves her and knows the plans He has for her to prosper and for her to have good success, is part of the remedy. Another big part of the cure is Love.

I believe God is using life experiences such as these to restore that which the locust has eaten and we will be delivered as it says in the book of Joel...

"Fear not, O land; be glad and rejoice: for the LORD will do great things. Be not afraid, ye beasts of the field: for the pastures of the wilderness do spring, for the tree beareth her fruit, the fig tree and the vine do yield their strength. Be glad then, ye children of Zion, and rejoice in the LORD your God: for he hath given you the former rain moderately, and he will cause to come down for you the rain, the former rain, and the latter rain in the first month. And the floors shall be full of wheat, and the fats shall overflow with wine and oil.And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpillar, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you.And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the LORD your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed.And ye shall know that I am in the midst of Israel, and that I am the LORD your God, and none else: and my people shall never be ashamed. And it shall come to pass afterward, that I will pour out my spirit upon all flesh; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, your young men shall see visions:And also upon the servants and upon the handmaids in those days will I pour out my spirit. And I will shew wonders in the heavens and in the earth, blood, and fire, and pillars of smoke. The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before the great and the terrible day of the LORD come. And it shall come to pass, that whosoever shall call on the name of the LORD shall be delivered: for in mount Zion and in Jerusalem shall be deliverance, as the LORD hath said, and in the remnant whom the LORD shall call. Joel 2:21-32



As for the relationship issue, we are praying through and trusting God to lead and guide us each step of the way.

JESUS PAID IT ALL
I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.”

Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

When Our Kids Get Left Out

With social networking comes the ability to see things in a way that never could be seen before. Activities planned, who is invited, who is not invited, individuals excited about the event, pictures of the event, comments about how fun the event was, etc..

One thing that may be a plus for a child with attachment issues, is the fact that, because of trauma's experienced early on in life, they usually don't get their feelings hurt when they are not included.

This is a cruel world we live in, and I suppose this is another lesson for me.. to turn the other cheek and to forgive others for their insensitivity towards those with special needs.

As Christians, we are to love one another without respect of persons. This includes loving those that have disabilities and areas in their life that need healing. And the irony of it all is that it also includes loving those that leave our children out.

"To have respect of persons is not good: for for a piece of bread that man will transgress." Pro 28:21

"So, Apparently I Have a Disability...."

After reading yesterday's blog post to my daughter, she said, "So, apparently, I have a disability".
dis·a·ble  [dis-ey-buhl] –verb (used with object), -bled, -bling. 1. to make unable or unfit; weaken or destroy the capability of; cripple; incapacitate: He was disabled by blindness. 2.to make legally incapable; disqualify.
dis·a·bil·i·ty [dis-uh-bil-i-tee] –noun, plural -ties 1. lack of adequate power, strength, or physical or mental ability; incapacity.

Her bold statement was followed by an awkward silence. It suddenly became clear that even before I began to research the subject of attachment disorders pertaining to adoption, I had been assuming 'guilt by association'. After all, she was adopted, her Mom neglected her, Dad was never a part of her life, she was in and out of foster care till she was 7 years old.

Let's do the math...

1+1+1+1=4 correct??

Not necessarily...

Thankfully, as in countless times before, the Holy Spirit came to the rescue to help bail me out of the mess I had gotten myself into. As always, He pointed us to Christ and allowed us to use this situation as a learning tool for both of us.

During the awkward silence immediately following my daughter's bold statement, my thoughts turned towards the deprivation of mankind. I mean, since the fall of man, don't we all suffer from being disabled?

Look back at the definition of disable. The example sentence used is "He was disabled by blindness." When Adam made the choice to disobey God and eat of the tree that he was commanded not to eat of, mankind experienced a spiritual blindness. We were separated from God.

I am so thankful that God made a way for us to regain our sight. He sent His only begotten Son as payment for our sins and the sins of the whole world.

It became obvious that I had forgotten to factor in certain equations into our "problem" such as:

~The Love of God that we experienced at the new birth and on a daily basis
~Daily provision of prayer
~God's Word and all of His Good Promises
~The Holy Spirit's Power to enable us to get through each day
~The countless number of God's Perfect Attributes ...

I believe this would cancel out some of the numbers in our original problem... don't you?

Let's redo the math...

1+1+1+1 + GOD = 0 ∞ (mathematical symbol for infinity)

Now...There is a solution that has been checked and rechecked.

The solution is Jesus. He has always been, is and always will be True. He has never failed one time!

"Blessed [be] the LORD, that hath given rest unto his people Israel, according to all that he promised: there hath not failed one word of all his good promise, which he promised by the hand of Moses his servant." 1Kings 8:56

To learn more about the free gift of salvation go to: http://www.lighthouse-baptist.com/go/free-gift or click on the link under helpful links above right.

THE LOVE OF GOD
The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;
The guilty pair, bowed down with care,
God gave His Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled,
And pardoned from his sin.

Oh, love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure—
The saints’ and angels’ song.

When hoary time shall pass away,
And earthly thrones and kingdoms fall,
When men who here refuse to pray,
On rocks and hills and mountains call,

God’s love so sure, shall still endure,
All measureless and strong;
Redeeming grace to Adam’s race—
The saints’ and angels’ song.

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade;

To write the love of God above
Would drain the ocean dry;
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

When Adopted Children Become Adults

At what point can we say a child becomes an adult? Some say age 18, some say 21. Regardless of the age, parenting and caring for adopted children with hidden disabilities will likely become more challenging as the child approaches adulthood. No matter the amount or quality of therapy, care or love they receive; the fact remains that many behaviors found in young children with special needs will follow them well into their adult years.

Oftentimes, it is very difficult for parents or caregivers to discern if the behaviors being exhibited are associated with a disorder or if they are "normal" age appropriate behaviors. If and when this is determined, the challenge of finding and utilizing the proper method of discipline for children with hidden disabilities can be extremely challenging.

Here are a few helpful tips from one of my favorite resources (helpguide.org). Although these are geared toward younger children, I believe they can be helpful when dealing with young adults with attachment disorder, fetal alcohol syndrome, as well as hidden disabilities and emotional disorders.


"~Take charge, yet remain calm when your child is upset or misbehaving. Remember that “bad” behavior means that your child doesn’t know how to handle what he or she is feeling and needs your help. By staying calm, you show your child that the feeling is manageable. If he or she is being purposefully defiant, follow through with the pre-established consequences in a cool, matter-of-fact manner. But never discipline a child with an attachment disorder when you’re in an emotionally-charged state. This makes the child feel more unsafe and may even reinforce the bad behavior, since it’s clear it pushes your buttons.

~Be immediately available to reconnect following a conflict. Conflict can be especially disturbing for children with insecure attachment or attachment disorders. After a conflict or tantrum where you’ve had to discipline your child, be ready to reconnect as soon as he or she is ready. This reinforces your consistency and love, and will help your child develop a trust that you’ll be there through thick and thin.

~Own up to mistakes and initiate repair. When you let frustration or anger get the best of you or you do something you realize is insensitive, quickly address the mistake. Your willingness to take responsibility and make amends can strengthen the attachment bond. Children with reactive attachment disorder or other attachment problems need to learn that although you may not be perfect, they will be loved, no matter what..."


Of course, there are also steps we can take, in advance, to try and prevent or eliminate certain behaviors.

"...~Set limits and boundaries. Consistent, loving boundaries make the world seem more predictable and less scary to children with attachment problems such as reactive attachment disorder. It’s important that they understand what behavior is expected of them, what is and isn’t acceptable, and what the consequences will be if they disregard the rules. This also teaches them that they have more control over what happens to them than they think.

~Try to maintain predictable routines and schedules. A child with an attachment disorder won’t instinctively rely on loved ones, and may feel threatened by transition and inconsistency—for example when traveling or during school vacations. A familiar routine or schedule can provide comfort during times of change..."


Remember..
*celebrate successes
*don't dwell on failures
*your child is fearfully and wonderfully made 'as is'
*there is JOY in your journey!


"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

The Head of the House

Although this cartoon is meant to be humorous... there is much to be said for a godly leader in a home in the day and time in which we live.



Our home is blessed to have one of the godliest men in the world as the head of our household.







What a Spiritual Leader May Look Like: Seventeen Characteristics of a Spiritual Leader

God has designed men to be the leaders of their home, their wife and
their kids. Reflect on these traits and see how you rate yourself based
on th ese guidelines of being a spiritual leader of your family.

1. He is the prayer leader at home

2. He has the family finances in order

3. He mentors his kids

4. He is a role model for his family & friends

5. He provides security & protection for the family

6. He meets the emotional needs of his wife & kids

7. He provides good, clean clear communication to his wife & kids

8. He strives to have a gentle tone in his words with his wife & kids

9. He is honorable & respectful to his wife & kids

10. He is an honest & trustworthy husband & dad

11. He is a responsible husband & dad

12. He is vulnerable with his wife & kids

13. He shows meekness to his wife & kids

14. He knows how to have fun with his wife & kids

15. He strives to be a man of integrity to his wife, family & friends

16. He strives to walk his talk to his wife, family & friends

17. He strives to show unconditional love to his wife & kids

Thank you, Ron Haney for being all of this and more. We are praying for you as you lead us.

INDIFFERENCE

Have you ever experienced a scenario that goes something like this? You are late, but you have exactly enough time to get to your destination, to the second. You pull out onto the two lane highway right behind a tractor trailer. In the other lane is a couple who are obviously happy just to be together and definitely not in any kind of rush to get anywhere anytime soon. Your heart starts pounding.. you tailgate.. your thought process is rapidly approaching the opposite end of the butterflies and rainbow spectrum. Neither driver seems to care that you are late. As a matter of fact, once they see your obvious show of traffic violations, they both take their feet off the gas pedal and coast a little. They could care less about your situation.

Now, in the words of the proverbial couch psychiatrist, "How does that make you feel?".


INDIFFERENCE.
in·dif·fer·ence   
[in-dif-er-uhns, -dif-ruhns]–noun
1. lack of interest or concern.
2. unimportance; little or no concern

In my last entry, I quoted an article that said: "If you are the parent of a child with an attachment disorder, such as reactive attachment disorder, you may be physically and emotionally exhausted from trying to connect with your child, only to be met with opposition, defiance, or, maybe hardest of all, indifference." Today I ponder this word 'indifference' and think of the many ways that God is helping me see His Great Love for me through this opposition.

The story of the pearl. "At some time in the course of the oyster’s development, a foreign substance such as a grain of sand gets into the little muscle and irritates the oyster. In response, the oyster covers that irritant with a secretion. The longer the irritation is there, the more the oyster coats it. Pearl oysters vary in size and can be quite rough and ugly. Yet what is happening inside is a combination of rainbows, moonlight, and bits of flame. Once the oyster accepts the irritation as part of itself, the pearl begins to develop. The worst storms, gales, even hurricanes will not dislodge it. As time goes by and this oyster is finally pulled up from the bed where it has been for many years, it is opened only to reveal a beautiful pearl."

Many times I stood in front of my child trying to get her to see why she should care about her behavior and I was met with a blank "indifferent" stare. I suppose many young people exhibit the attitude of indifference. The difference in most young people is the fact that this attitude comes and goes. With our special situation it stays. This indifference has become my irritating grain of sand. I am doing my best to trust that it will one day become a pearl of great price that I can purchase a crown to cast at my Savior's feet.

Will There Be Any Stars In My Crown

I am thinking today of that beautiful land I shall reach when the sun goeth down;
When thru wonderful grace by my Savior I stand,
Will there be any stars in my crown?

Will there be any stars, any stars in my crown
When at evenin' the sun goeth down
When I wake with the blest, in those mansions of rest,
Will there be any stars in my crown?

In the strength of the Lord let me labor and pray,
Let me watch as a winner of souls;
That bright stars may be mine in the glorious day,
When His praise like the sea billow rolls

O what joy it will be when His face I behold,
Living gems at His feet to lay down;
It would sweeten my bliss in the city of gold,
Should there be any stars in my crown

Attachment Disorder

at·tach·ment [uh-tach-muhnt] –noun 2. a feeling that binds one to a person, thing, cause, ideal, or the like; devotion;.."
dis·or·der [dis-awr-der] –noun 4. a disturbance in physical or mental health or functions; malady or dysfunction.

At 'face value' one has to really ponder the meaning of these words to get the full meaning as it relates to initial deprivation and neglect by birth parents, foster care and adoption.

Attachment is the deep and lasting connection established between a child and caregiver in the first few years of life. It profoundly affects your child’s development and his or her ability to express emotions and develop relationships.

If you are the parent of a child with an attachment disorder, such as reactive attachment disorder, you may be physically and emotionally exhausted from trying to connect with your child, only to be met with opposition, defiance, or, maybe hardest of all, indifference.

A child with insecure attachment or an attachment disorder doesn’t have the skills necessary to build meaningful relationships. However, with the right tools, and a healthy dose of time, effort, patience, and love, it is possible to treat and repair attachment difficulties.

Children with attachment disorders or other attachment problems have difficulty connecting to others and managing their own emotions. This results in a lack of trust and self-worth, a fear of getting close to anyone, anger, and a need to be in control. A child with an attachment disorder feels unsafe and alone.

So why do some children develop attachment disorders while others don’t? The answer has to do with the attachment process, which relies on the interaction of both parent and child.

Attachment disorders are the result of negative experiences in this early relationship. If young children feel repeatedly abandoned, isolated, powerless, or uncared for—for whatever reason—they will learn that they can’t depend on others and the world is a dangerous and frightening place.

What causes reactive attachment disorder and other attachment problems?
Reactive attachment disorder and other attachment problems occur when children have been unable to consistently connect with a parent or primary caregiver. This can happen for many reasons:

A baby cries and no one responds or offers comfort.

A baby is hungry or wet, and they aren’t attended to for hours.

No one looks at, talks to, or smiles at the baby, so the baby feels alone.

A young child gets attention only by acting out or displaying other extreme behaviors.

A young child or baby is mistreated or abused.

Sometimes the child’s needs are met and sometimes they aren’t. The child never knows what to expect.

The infant or young child is hospitalized or separated from his or her parents.

A baby or young child is moved from one caregiver to another (can be the result of adoption, foster care, or the loss of a parent).

The parent is emotionally unavailable because of depression, an illness, or a substance abuse problem.

As the examples show, sometimes the circumstances that cause the attachment problems are unavoidable. But the child is too young to understand what has happened and why. To a young child, it just feels like no one cares and they lose trust in others and the world becomes an unsafe place.

Our family is going into our fifteenth year in dealing with these issues concerning attachment disorder within our family. Over the next few days, join me as I explore this complex topic and share our personal experiences. It is our hope and prayer that through sharing our story we can be of a help to someone and continue in our own healing process.

Hidden disabilities ~ Chosen Families

Listening to my favorite radio station yesterday I learned of a new organization. What caught my attention was the statment "Hidden Disabilities".

When raising children with attachment disorders, parents are often frustrated with the fact that things appear normal, while it is not always so on the inside. Much of the time we are groping in the darkness trying to discern what is going on inside our children's hearts and minds so that we can best meet our child's needs. This can be very frustrating for the child as well as the parent.

As I tuned in and really listened to the interview, I was comforted in hearing that I was not alone in learning first hand about a serious need of support for disabilities like autism, attachment disorder, bi-polar and other mental disabilities within the Body of Christ. Chosen Families President and CEO, Sharon Royce, explained how the organization "Chosen Familes" began out of this need for support. I am excited about learning more about this organization.

The next time you meet someone that has an adopted/foster child or a child with perhaps not so visible needs, remember that it is very likely that they are experiencing a measure of frustration in dealing with these attachment issues. Remember to pray for all of our families, no matter the need.