INDIFFERENCE

Have you ever experienced a scenario that goes something like this? You are late, but you have exactly enough time to get to your destination, to the second. You pull out onto the two lane highway right behind a tractor trailer. In the other lane is a couple who are obviously happy just to be together and definitely not in any kind of rush to get anywhere anytime soon. Your heart starts pounding.. you tailgate.. your thought process is rapidly approaching the opposite end of the butterflies and rainbow spectrum. Neither driver seems to care that you are late. As a matter of fact, once they see your obvious show of traffic violations, they both take their feet off the gas pedal and coast a little. They could care less about your situation.

Now, in the words of the proverbial couch psychiatrist, "How does that make you feel?".


INDIFFERENCE.
in·dif·fer·ence   
[in-dif-er-uhns, -dif-ruhns]–noun
1. lack of interest or concern.
2. unimportance; little or no concern

In my last entry, I quoted an article that said: "If you are the parent of a child with an attachment disorder, such as reactive attachment disorder, you may be physically and emotionally exhausted from trying to connect with your child, only to be met with opposition, defiance, or, maybe hardest of all, indifference." Today I ponder this word 'indifference' and think of the many ways that God is helping me see His Great Love for me through this opposition.

The story of the pearl. "At some time in the course of the oyster’s development, a foreign substance such as a grain of sand gets into the little muscle and irritates the oyster. In response, the oyster covers that irritant with a secretion. The longer the irritation is there, the more the oyster coats it. Pearl oysters vary in size and can be quite rough and ugly. Yet what is happening inside is a combination of rainbows, moonlight, and bits of flame. Once the oyster accepts the irritation as part of itself, the pearl begins to develop. The worst storms, gales, even hurricanes will not dislodge it. As time goes by and this oyster is finally pulled up from the bed where it has been for many years, it is opened only to reveal a beautiful pearl."

Many times I stood in front of my child trying to get her to see why she should care about her behavior and I was met with a blank "indifferent" stare. I suppose many young people exhibit the attitude of indifference. The difference in most young people is the fact that this attitude comes and goes. With our special situation it stays. This indifference has become my irritating grain of sand. I am doing my best to trust that it will one day become a pearl of great price that I can purchase a crown to cast at my Savior's feet.

Will There Be Any Stars In My Crown

I am thinking today of that beautiful land I shall reach when the sun goeth down;
When thru wonderful grace by my Savior I stand,
Will there be any stars in my crown?

Will there be any stars, any stars in my crown
When at evenin' the sun goeth down
When I wake with the blest, in those mansions of rest,
Will there be any stars in my crown?

In the strength of the Lord let me labor and pray,
Let me watch as a winner of souls;
That bright stars may be mine in the glorious day,
When His praise like the sea billow rolls

O what joy it will be when His face I behold,
Living gems at His feet to lay down;
It would sweeten my bliss in the city of gold,
Should there be any stars in my crown

Attachment Disorder

at·tach·ment [uh-tach-muhnt] –noun 2. a feeling that binds one to a person, thing, cause, ideal, or the like; devotion;.."
dis·or·der [dis-awr-der] –noun 4. a disturbance in physical or mental health or functions; malady or dysfunction.

At 'face value' one has to really ponder the meaning of these words to get the full meaning as it relates to initial deprivation and neglect by birth parents, foster care and adoption.

Attachment is the deep and lasting connection established between a child and caregiver in the first few years of life. It profoundly affects your child’s development and his or her ability to express emotions and develop relationships.

If you are the parent of a child with an attachment disorder, such as reactive attachment disorder, you may be physically and emotionally exhausted from trying to connect with your child, only to be met with opposition, defiance, or, maybe hardest of all, indifference.

A child with insecure attachment or an attachment disorder doesn’t have the skills necessary to build meaningful relationships. However, with the right tools, and a healthy dose of time, effort, patience, and love, it is possible to treat and repair attachment difficulties.

Children with attachment disorders or other attachment problems have difficulty connecting to others and managing their own emotions. This results in a lack of trust and self-worth, a fear of getting close to anyone, anger, and a need to be in control. A child with an attachment disorder feels unsafe and alone.

So why do some children develop attachment disorders while others don’t? The answer has to do with the attachment process, which relies on the interaction of both parent and child.

Attachment disorders are the result of negative experiences in this early relationship. If young children feel repeatedly abandoned, isolated, powerless, or uncared for—for whatever reason—they will learn that they can’t depend on others and the world is a dangerous and frightening place.

What causes reactive attachment disorder and other attachment problems?
Reactive attachment disorder and other attachment problems occur when children have been unable to consistently connect with a parent or primary caregiver. This can happen for many reasons:

A baby cries and no one responds or offers comfort.

A baby is hungry or wet, and they aren’t attended to for hours.

No one looks at, talks to, or smiles at the baby, so the baby feels alone.

A young child gets attention only by acting out or displaying other extreme behaviors.

A young child or baby is mistreated or abused.

Sometimes the child’s needs are met and sometimes they aren’t. The child never knows what to expect.

The infant or young child is hospitalized or separated from his or her parents.

A baby or young child is moved from one caregiver to another (can be the result of adoption, foster care, or the loss of a parent).

The parent is emotionally unavailable because of depression, an illness, or a substance abuse problem.

As the examples show, sometimes the circumstances that cause the attachment problems are unavoidable. But the child is too young to understand what has happened and why. To a young child, it just feels like no one cares and they lose trust in others and the world becomes an unsafe place.

Our family is going into our fifteenth year in dealing with these issues concerning attachment disorder within our family. Over the next few days, join me as I explore this complex topic and share our personal experiences. It is our hope and prayer that through sharing our story we can be of a help to someone and continue in our own healing process.

Hidden disabilities ~ Chosen Families

Listening to my favorite radio station yesterday I learned of a new organization. What caught my attention was the statment "Hidden Disabilities".

When raising children with attachment disorders, parents are often frustrated with the fact that things appear normal, while it is not always so on the inside. Much of the time we are groping in the darkness trying to discern what is going on inside our children's hearts and minds so that we can best meet our child's needs. This can be very frustrating for the child as well as the parent.

As I tuned in and really listened to the interview, I was comforted in hearing that I was not alone in learning first hand about a serious need of support for disabilities like autism, attachment disorder, bi-polar and other mental disabilities within the Body of Christ. Chosen Families President and CEO, Sharon Royce, explained how the organization "Chosen Familes" began out of this need for support. I am excited about learning more about this organization.

The next time you meet someone that has an adopted/foster child or a child with perhaps not so visible needs, remember that it is very likely that they are experiencing a measure of frustration in dealing with these attachment issues. Remember to pray for all of our families, no matter the need.