Earlier today, I was convinced that if there was a picture in the dictionary next to the definition "it's complicated", it would be a picture of my family. As we continue to face life's challenges, they seem to be ever increasing in complexity. Methods used in 'normal' situations seem to rarely 'work' when dealing with individuals with hidden disabilities.
Imagine someone very close to you having a serious integrity issue, yet refusing to acknowledge the fact that they have a problem in the first place. Or, when admitting the problem, absolutely refusing to take necessary steps to correct it.
Let's take, for example, that of chronic lying and the need to humble oneself, admit fault and ask forgiveness.
I suppose this type of behavior 'avoidance' is common enough in "normal" situations. I mean afterall, who wants to admit their own faults and failures?
But, let's take it a step further... What if compounding this situation with the fact that there is little to no apparent conscious and zero trace of humility concerning this behavior?
Then... if that weren't enough, an all out concentrated effort to superimpose their own hurt and pain so intently toward those that care about them the most, in an attempt to force those caring most to mirror back the image of their own hurt?
But what if...
What if this person has been severely depraved, neglected and abused?
What if they could tell you the real reasons behind their behavior?
(~begin quote)
"You see, I really cannot express my deep hurt and pain myself because that would mean letting my guard down and exposing my deepest fears. I have spent most of my life building up layers and layers to protect myself from being hurt and neglected ever again.
I cannot possibly tell the truth because it would mean trusting again, and I could never allow myself to trust again, because I did that before and was hurt every time.
But, you see, there are times that I hurt so bad and I am not physically or emotionally able to keep anymore of this pain inside. I must somehow get it out, so I will project it through you until I see you expressing these feelings that I cannot possibly allow myself to express.
Then I will be satisfied for a little while.
By doing it this way, I am able to maintain my level of protection, yet be able to get some relief from my pain. When I sense the frustration and pain building again, I will exhibit some type of negative behavior (probably telling a lie about you), in order to start the process all over again, to allow the release of this deep hurt, anger and frustration and intense pain."
(~end quote)
Yes, this scenario is extremely difficult to imagine, but it is very much a reality in an ever increasing amount of families' lives today. Particularly those families who have adopted or birth children who have hidden disabilities resulting from neglect and deprivation in the early stages of childhood by one or both birth parents or care-givers. Imagine being the one that cares for this person. Imagine being the 'scape goat' for their pain.
After personally experiencing a similar scenario within our own family and yet again being the "scape goat" or "whipping post", the usual wallowing in self pity began. I found myself telling God, "I can't take anymore of this!!". Then, the conversation between Peter and Jesus suddenly resounded in my spirit loud and clear....
"Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven." Matt 18:21&22
Not to mention our Lord's command in Mark 11:26
"But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses.".
And finally, Jesus' ultimate plea for our forgiveness on the cross..
"Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for ... they know not what they do". Luke 23:34
They know not what they do....
It suddenly became crystal clear.. just because others do not ask for or deserve forgiveness (regardless of the reasons), is no reason for us not forgive. And, an 'eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth' cannot possibly apply, particularly when it comes to dealing with our children and hidden disabilities. For.. THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO.
I mean, seriously, if a family member has a physical disability such as a deformed foot, for example, should they be 'unforgiven' and cast away? One of the few differences in an 'exposed' disability and an 'hidden' disability is that the deformed foot is in view and the emotional disability is hidden. Sure, one can 'get around' with the deformed foot. There are things like wheelchairs and special shoes, but you still have to take special safety precautions so that the individual will not get hurt, or hurt others around them.
Families with hidden disabilities can "get around" too. We just have to find out what steps to take to ensure our own safety and the safety of those around us. And as 'complicated' as it may seem to us, God knows our every need. He made us in His own image and knows the plans he has for us, that of success.
Today, we must continually research positive ways to deal with our situation while trusting God to show us each step that He wants us to take in order to conform us to His Image.
I believe the first step is that of forgiveness, in every aspect of all of our lives, whether you are the person with the disability, a parent, grandparent, sibling, extended family member, church family or friend.
It's "complicated", yes, but what an opportunity to show Christ's love than to love someone with a hidden disability?
I am thine, O Lord, I have heard thy voice,
and it told thy love to me;
but I long to rise in the arms of faith
and be closer drawn to thee.
Draw me nearer, nearer, blessed Lord,
to the cross where thou hast died.
Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer, blessed Lord,
to thy precious, bleeding side.
