When Adopted Children Become Adults

At what point can we say a child becomes an adult? Some say age 18, some say 21. Regardless of the age, parenting and caring for adopted children with hidden disabilities will likely become more challenging as the child approaches adulthood. No matter the amount or quality of therapy, care or love they receive; the fact remains that many behaviors found in young children with special needs will follow them well into their adult years.

Oftentimes, it is very difficult for parents or caregivers to discern if the behaviors being exhibited are associated with a disorder or if they are "normal" age appropriate behaviors. If and when this is determined, the challenge of finding and utilizing the proper method of discipline for children with hidden disabilities can be extremely challenging.

Here are a few helpful tips from one of my favorite resources (helpguide.org). Although these are geared toward younger children, I believe they can be helpful when dealing with young adults with attachment disorder, fetal alcohol syndrome, as well as hidden disabilities and emotional disorders.


"~Take charge, yet remain calm when your child is upset or misbehaving. Remember that “bad” behavior means that your child doesn’t know how to handle what he or she is feeling and needs your help. By staying calm, you show your child that the feeling is manageable. If he or she is being purposefully defiant, follow through with the pre-established consequences in a cool, matter-of-fact manner. But never discipline a child with an attachment disorder when you’re in an emotionally-charged state. This makes the child feel more unsafe and may even reinforce the bad behavior, since it’s clear it pushes your buttons.

~Be immediately available to reconnect following a conflict. Conflict can be especially disturbing for children with insecure attachment or attachment disorders. After a conflict or tantrum where you’ve had to discipline your child, be ready to reconnect as soon as he or she is ready. This reinforces your consistency and love, and will help your child develop a trust that you’ll be there through thick and thin.

~Own up to mistakes and initiate repair. When you let frustration or anger get the best of you or you do something you realize is insensitive, quickly address the mistake. Your willingness to take responsibility and make amends can strengthen the attachment bond. Children with reactive attachment disorder or other attachment problems need to learn that although you may not be perfect, they will be loved, no matter what..."


Of course, there are also steps we can take, in advance, to try and prevent or eliminate certain behaviors.

"...~Set limits and boundaries. Consistent, loving boundaries make the world seem more predictable and less scary to children with attachment problems such as reactive attachment disorder. It’s important that they understand what behavior is expected of them, what is and isn’t acceptable, and what the consequences will be if they disregard the rules. This also teaches them that they have more control over what happens to them than they think.

~Try to maintain predictable routines and schedules. A child with an attachment disorder won’t instinctively rely on loved ones, and may feel threatened by transition and inconsistency—for example when traveling or during school vacations. A familiar routine or schedule can provide comfort during times of change..."


Remember..
*celebrate successes
*don't dwell on failures
*your child is fearfully and wonderfully made 'as is'
*there is JOY in your journey!


"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6