INDIFFERENCE

Have you ever experienced a scenario that goes something like this? You are late, but you have exactly enough time to get to your destination, to the second. You pull out onto the two lane highway right behind a tractor trailer. In the other lane is a couple who are obviously happy just to be together and definitely not in any kind of rush to get anywhere anytime soon. Your heart starts pounding.. you tailgate.. your thought process is rapidly approaching the opposite end of the butterflies and rainbow spectrum. Neither driver seems to care that you are late. As a matter of fact, once they see your obvious show of traffic violations, they both take their feet off the gas pedal and coast a little. They could care less about your situation.

Now, in the words of the proverbial couch psychiatrist, "How does that make you feel?".


INDIFFERENCE.
in·dif·fer·ence   
[in-dif-er-uhns, -dif-ruhns]–noun
1. lack of interest or concern.
2. unimportance; little or no concern

In my last entry, I quoted an article that said: "If you are the parent of a child with an attachment disorder, such as reactive attachment disorder, you may be physically and emotionally exhausted from trying to connect with your child, only to be met with opposition, defiance, or, maybe hardest of all, indifference." Today I ponder this word 'indifference' and think of the many ways that God is helping me see His Great Love for me through this opposition.

The story of the pearl. "At some time in the course of the oyster’s development, a foreign substance such as a grain of sand gets into the little muscle and irritates the oyster. In response, the oyster covers that irritant with a secretion. The longer the irritation is there, the more the oyster coats it. Pearl oysters vary in size and can be quite rough and ugly. Yet what is happening inside is a combination of rainbows, moonlight, and bits of flame. Once the oyster accepts the irritation as part of itself, the pearl begins to develop. The worst storms, gales, even hurricanes will not dislodge it. As time goes by and this oyster is finally pulled up from the bed where it has been for many years, it is opened only to reveal a beautiful pearl."

Many times I stood in front of my child trying to get her to see why she should care about her behavior and I was met with a blank "indifferent" stare. I suppose many young people exhibit the attitude of indifference. The difference in most young people is the fact that this attitude comes and goes. With our special situation it stays. This indifference has become my irritating grain of sand. I am doing my best to trust that it will one day become a pearl of great price that I can purchase a crown to cast at my Savior's feet.

Will There Be Any Stars In My Crown

I am thinking today of that beautiful land I shall reach when the sun goeth down;
When thru wonderful grace by my Savior I stand,
Will there be any stars in my crown?

Will there be any stars, any stars in my crown
When at evenin' the sun goeth down
When I wake with the blest, in those mansions of rest,
Will there be any stars in my crown?

In the strength of the Lord let me labor and pray,
Let me watch as a winner of souls;
That bright stars may be mine in the glorious day,
When His praise like the sea billow rolls

O what joy it will be when His face I behold,
Living gems at His feet to lay down;
It would sweeten my bliss in the city of gold,
Should there be any stars in my crown

Attachment Disorder

at·tach·ment [uh-tach-muhnt] –noun 2. a feeling that binds one to a person, thing, cause, ideal, or the like; devotion;.."
dis·or·der [dis-awr-der] –noun 4. a disturbance in physical or mental health or functions; malady or dysfunction.

At 'face value' one has to really ponder the meaning of these words to get the full meaning as it relates to initial deprivation and neglect by birth parents, foster care and adoption.

Attachment is the deep and lasting connection established between a child and caregiver in the first few years of life. It profoundly affects your child’s development and his or her ability to express emotions and develop relationships.

If you are the parent of a child with an attachment disorder, such as reactive attachment disorder, you may be physically and emotionally exhausted from trying to connect with your child, only to be met with opposition, defiance, or, maybe hardest of all, indifference.

A child with insecure attachment or an attachment disorder doesn’t have the skills necessary to build meaningful relationships. However, with the right tools, and a healthy dose of time, effort, patience, and love, it is possible to treat and repair attachment difficulties.

Children with attachment disorders or other attachment problems have difficulty connecting to others and managing their own emotions. This results in a lack of trust and self-worth, a fear of getting close to anyone, anger, and a need to be in control. A child with an attachment disorder feels unsafe and alone.

So why do some children develop attachment disorders while others don’t? The answer has to do with the attachment process, which relies on the interaction of both parent and child.

Attachment disorders are the result of negative experiences in this early relationship. If young children feel repeatedly abandoned, isolated, powerless, or uncared for—for whatever reason—they will learn that they can’t depend on others and the world is a dangerous and frightening place.

What causes reactive attachment disorder and other attachment problems?
Reactive attachment disorder and other attachment problems occur when children have been unable to consistently connect with a parent or primary caregiver. This can happen for many reasons:

A baby cries and no one responds or offers comfort.

A baby is hungry or wet, and they aren’t attended to for hours.

No one looks at, talks to, or smiles at the baby, so the baby feels alone.

A young child gets attention only by acting out or displaying other extreme behaviors.

A young child or baby is mistreated or abused.

Sometimes the child’s needs are met and sometimes they aren’t. The child never knows what to expect.

The infant or young child is hospitalized or separated from his or her parents.

A baby or young child is moved from one caregiver to another (can be the result of adoption, foster care, or the loss of a parent).

The parent is emotionally unavailable because of depression, an illness, or a substance abuse problem.

As the examples show, sometimes the circumstances that cause the attachment problems are unavoidable. But the child is too young to understand what has happened and why. To a young child, it just feels like no one cares and they lose trust in others and the world becomes an unsafe place.

Our family is going into our fifteenth year in dealing with these issues concerning attachment disorder within our family. Over the next few days, join me as I explore this complex topic and share our personal experiences. It is our hope and prayer that through sharing our story we can be of a help to someone and continue in our own healing process.

Hidden disabilities ~ Chosen Families

Listening to my favorite radio station yesterday I learned of a new organization. What caught my attention was the statment "Hidden Disabilities".

When raising children with attachment disorders, parents are often frustrated with the fact that things appear normal, while it is not always so on the inside. Much of the time we are groping in the darkness trying to discern what is going on inside our children's hearts and minds so that we can best meet our child's needs. This can be very frustrating for the child as well as the parent.

As I tuned in and really listened to the interview, I was comforted in hearing that I was not alone in learning first hand about a serious need of support for disabilities like autism, attachment disorder, bi-polar and other mental disabilities within the Body of Christ. Chosen Families President and CEO, Sharon Royce, explained how the organization "Chosen Familes" began out of this need for support. I am excited about learning more about this organization.

The next time you meet someone that has an adopted/foster child or a child with perhaps not so visible needs, remember that it is very likely that they are experiencing a measure of frustration in dealing with these attachment issues. Remember to pray for all of our families, no matter the need.

Are we 'there' yet?

Each milestone it seems that we should 'arrive' at some point. But I am learning that this is not the case. I will be the first to admit that I seem to be suffering with separation issues concerning my oldest daughter.

When I adopted her, something within me changed. God seemed to knit our hearts together so tightly that I don't think we were ever meant to be separated. She had gone through so much, that I promised nothing would ever happen to her to put her in that situation ever again.. and I was going to see to it that it didn't.

Now, she is old enough to be on her own.. old enough, but not ready. Not ready, because I have held her too tightly.

Enter fear...

God is working on me.. helping me to release her in the proper manner.

Stay tuned...

Through the Fires

As we look towards a Mother/Daughter Banquet at our church, and I read about the speaker that is to bring a testimony of her own mother pulling her from a fire, surviving after 60 + surgeries, I can't help but think of our adoption story. It is equally amazing to me to think of just what adoptive families go through from day to day as we continually pull our daughters and sons out of fire after fire. From the fires of deprivation and rejection, to dealing with loss and special needs, acceptance by peers and others, to the continual picking up of the broken pieces; each day brings a different type of fire with different wounds and 'surgeries' the Lord performs on our hearts. Although it is a great tragedy, having gone through physical pain of a fire, we cannot begin to imagine the hidden scars of our own sons and daughters. I am thankful for the Great Physician that heals us from all our diseases, both physical and emotional.

April 7th, 2010

Tomorrow will be exactly 3 months that our oldest daughter drove away from the hotel parking lot in Powell Tennessee to begin a new chapter of her life at Crown Bible College. It really seems like alot more than three months have passed. One thing I realized is that when I asked the LORD to knit our hearts together those 10 years ago, HE REALLY knit them together!

As much as I selfishly looked forward to the peace that would surely come with only having one teenager in the home to worry about, I realized just how much the seemingly troubling "issues" were paramount in keeping my ultimate peace! Today I long for a phone call, email or facebook post, only to find a daughter that is too busy with friends and her hectic schedule to have a minute to contact her parents.



My husband gently reminds me of how we treated our parents at that age, putting our friends first, not contacting them for weeks at a time, and not even realizing the hurt that we may have caused them. He reminds me of how the Bible tells us ultimately to leave our mothers and our homes when we are married...I wonder if this is what it means to "raise our children in sorrow".

As our youngest daughter looks at getting her driver's license and finishes her first year of high school I can't help but realize how it seems like yesterday that our oldest was doing the same. Seems like just yesterday. These precious moments are fleeting.

Enjoy your precious time with your children, for too soon they will be gone.

Suddenly...an only child

Life!
Changes...

One day you wake up and you are 15 years old.

Everything has changed.

Why Are You Still Awake at 4 am?

As the time rapidly approaches that we travel to Crown College to be sure Mary is safe in the arms of her resident assistant, I feel like Hannah may have felt the night before taking Samuel to Eli to serve the Lord at the Temple.

Did Hannah have the same thoughts as I do this early morning hour? Did she go back to the day when Samuel became part of her heart? Did she wonder if the good outweighed the bad in her raising this child? Did she ponder how God had blessed her, if only temporarily, with a child, knowing she would have to give it back one day? And, what about how our Great God must have felt allowing His Only Begotten Son to die on a cruel rugged cross so that we might live with him eternally?

As I hand my daughter back to her Heavenly Father I can't help but cry tears of grief along with tears of joy.

Tears of grief as I think of all the things I should have taken time to do with her. Tears of grief over the things I took way to seriously throughout our years together. Tears of grief over how I will miss her sweet spirit and kindness in our home. Tears of grief over the joy she brought to our lives that will be but a memory.

Tears of joy as I think of the Creator of the universe loving me enough to give me a daughter such as Mary. Tears of joy as I think of Him lovingly looking down upon her and seeing her need. Tears of joy as I think of Him lovingly looking down upon me and seeing my need and putting us together as Mother and Daughter. Tears of joy as I see a church family rally around this child as she prepares for her next step in the journey. Tears of joy as I think of the possiblity of Almighty God using our daughter Mary to draw others unto Him.

He will take care of her as he has been doing all of her life. I know there will be times of sadness as we miss the 'little things' that we took for granted. His Word reminds me that His Grace is all sufficient and His strength is made perfect in our weakness.

How did Hannah's younger children handled their older sibling leaving their home? I think of our own Lizzie-Beth and how she must be feeling about her sister leaving. Mary has been here from the beginning... and now it all seems to have happened so fast!

How did Hannah's husband handled his beloved child leaving home? Or, how did Rebecca's father feel as his beloved daughter lited upon a camel in search of her future? Did he greatly miss his daughter, and did he have difficulty dealing with his emotions?


And yet in these early pre-dawn hours He whispers to me "My child, My Grace is sufficient, My Strength is made perfect in your weakness." and it is well with my soul.

10 Days to Completion...

"Ten is the number of completion" I've always heard. It's Bible, I think. Ten commandments.. makes sense. So, we have 10 days left before Mary leaves our home and launches 'out to the deep'... 10 days left experiencing "life as we know it". In ten days, another page turns and another chapter begins. There have been so many 'what if's' that have passed through my mind lately.

First, I realize that I am far from the Mother I should have been. With motherhood comes times of frustration, unsurety, pent up emotions, life pressures, etc. Even though many may judge (and, believe me, they do,) people that have not experienced adoption can not possibly know what one goes through in being a Mother to someone whose biological parents gives them up for adoption.

One may see me as "hard" on my daughters. They do not know. How can they possibly know the things we must go through to allow our Father to knit our hearts together... iron sharpening iron, burning off the dross? How can they possibly know what has taken place in our hearts and lives these past 12 years, since God first "formed" our family and gave us our beautiful daughters?

I ask myself how someone that has only biological children would handle situations common to those that have been adopted. Sure,there are many things that I know I should have handled differently... with a gentler spirit, no doubt.. But nobody... NOBODY loves Mary and Elizabeth Haney as much as I.. their Mother... does.

So, during these final days of "completion" I am praying that God would give us Grace and confidence in knowing we have done His Will and forgiveness for those times that we have failed. Grace to prepare our oldest daughter for further grooming and training in order for her to serve God to her utmost for His Glory, which is the reason for it all..

Our little eaglet is preparing to fly

It is exactly 20 days until our Mary will be taking flight to her new adventure at The Crown Bible College in Tennessee.

My heart is full.

So many things run through my mind as I recall the past 11 years with this beautiful young lady that the LORD has entrusted to us.

As of right now, she is sleeping. It's 10:30 and I have tried for 11 years to get the child to learn to get up on her own. She has to be at work at 12:00. If only I could come up with a magic potion to give her! We have a method of getting her to come up from her room called "stomping" 3 times. (Kinda like Tony Orlando's "Knock three times" on the ceiling if you want me sorta). At first it worked well... and now it goes into rattling the walls and catching the falling pottery. Things that "work" with some do not work with our Mary. Name it.. I've tried it... yelling, (naturally), begging, positive reinforcement, cold water in the face, grandma's rule... nothing worked.

So, today, we use the 'stomping' method and remarkably she came up on the first round. I greeted her and asked her (for the millionth time it seemed) what happened to the alarm clock... and "don't you have to work at noon?" and "I'm disappointed in you" and " you have 20 days left to learn to get up.. then, it's up to Crown College to instill this into your life." I did remind her that I love her (also for the millionth time) and that we didn't have long to get this "getting up on time" thing down.

Mary is so bright! She can fix almost anything that's "fixable". She does very well at academics, when she puts her mind to it.
There are so many wonderful qualities about Mary!! She really should be in the medical field.. she has a natural "way" about her. She has compassion and a gentleness about her. On the other hand, I have often compared her to a wild untameable mustang... She definitely has a STRONG will. I just pray she uses it for the LORD!

I remember seeing her at the DFACS office with "Bouncy Baby".. (she still has her tucked away in her hope chest with her Mickey Mouse etch a sketch). Much has changed since that day... some has not..but we are all still a work in progress, are we not?

Mary and I have a bond that most biological mothers and daughters will never have. It is a bond that seems even closer somehow...When God knit our hearts together I do believe he cast in a few extra "pearls". We have had some seriously challenging times...but, in Character with the Faithful Father that He is, He has delivered us out of them all.



Today I can say honestly, and I think she would agree, (I hope so anyway), that we have no animosity or strife between us. We have both grown so much in so many areas that we would not have done without each other in our lives. God has used her to refine me in so many ways. She has "grown" me in ways that nobody else could have ever done.




Mary has grown to be what most mothers only hope for in a daughter. She is making tough choices while the "world at large" pulls her in so many directions. I am so very proud of her. I hope she knows just how much she means to me... her mother.