Learning Lessons~Life's way

It is difficult enough to address common sense issues such as holding down a job,finances,general relationships, etc., with someone who experiences hidden disabilities. But when it comes the time of life that they begin to experience feelings and desires for the opposite sex, there is an increasing amount of variables involved. So much so that one is almost guaranteed to have setbacks in other areas.

My daughter had been doing so well! I was sharing with a friend just how good she seemed to be doing and at that very moment a situation arose that would prove quite the contrary. All of a sudden, whatever progress we had made up to that point seemed to have gone 'out the window'. It was like she experienced a 'short circuit' or 'blew a fuse'.

Over the course of the next few hours, I learned that much of the old behavior had returned.. After much prayer and consideration, it appears that all this may have happened because of not knowing what to do about certain 'feelings' or desires she may have encountered along the way.

Ironically, we are taking an online college course in early childhood education and just today read what should have been my daughter's life story from birth to age three, (the 'informative years'). She learned that certain consistent relationships are needed very early in life in order to form the foundations necessary to lead a healthy life. Without this stimulation, things are not quite "connected in the brain" as she put it.

I asked if she knew what the cure was for someone that did not experience this early foundation. She was quick to say that there is no cure. This opened the door for me to tell her that the Bible says she was 'fearfully and wonderfully made', and that God made no mistakes.

I gave her a big hug and told her that knowing and believing that God loves her and knows the plans He has for her to prosper and for her to have good success, is part of the remedy. Another big part of the cure is Love.

I believe God is using life experiences such as these to restore that which the locust has eaten and we will be delivered as it says in the book of Joel...

"Fear not, O land; be glad and rejoice: for the LORD will do great things. Be not afraid, ye beasts of the field: for the pastures of the wilderness do spring, for the tree beareth her fruit, the fig tree and the vine do yield their strength. Be glad then, ye children of Zion, and rejoice in the LORD your God: for he hath given you the former rain moderately, and he will cause to come down for you the rain, the former rain, and the latter rain in the first month. And the floors shall be full of wheat, and the fats shall overflow with wine and oil.And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpillar, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you.And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the LORD your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed.And ye shall know that I am in the midst of Israel, and that I am the LORD your God, and none else: and my people shall never be ashamed. And it shall come to pass afterward, that I will pour out my spirit upon all flesh; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, your young men shall see visions:And also upon the servants and upon the handmaids in those days will I pour out my spirit. And I will shew wonders in the heavens and in the earth, blood, and fire, and pillars of smoke. The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before the great and the terrible day of the LORD come. And it shall come to pass, that whosoever shall call on the name of the LORD shall be delivered: for in mount Zion and in Jerusalem shall be deliverance, as the LORD hath said, and in the remnant whom the LORD shall call. Joel 2:21-32



As for the relationship issue, we are praying through and trusting God to lead and guide us each step of the way.

JESUS PAID IT ALL
I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.”

Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

When Adopted Children Become Adults

At what point can we say a child becomes an adult? Some say age 18, some say 21. Regardless of the age, parenting and caring for adopted children with hidden disabilities will likely become more challenging as the child approaches adulthood. No matter the amount or quality of therapy, care or love they receive; the fact remains that many behaviors found in young children with special needs will follow them well into their adult years.

Oftentimes, it is very difficult for parents or caregivers to discern if the behaviors being exhibited are associated with a disorder or if they are "normal" age appropriate behaviors. If and when this is determined, the challenge of finding and utilizing the proper method of discipline for children with hidden disabilities can be extremely challenging.

Here are a few helpful tips from one of my favorite resources (helpguide.org). Although these are geared toward younger children, I believe they can be helpful when dealing with young adults with attachment disorder, fetal alcohol syndrome, as well as hidden disabilities and emotional disorders.


"~Take charge, yet remain calm when your child is upset or misbehaving. Remember that “bad” behavior means that your child doesn’t know how to handle what he or she is feeling and needs your help. By staying calm, you show your child that the feeling is manageable. If he or she is being purposefully defiant, follow through with the pre-established consequences in a cool, matter-of-fact manner. But never discipline a child with an attachment disorder when you’re in an emotionally-charged state. This makes the child feel more unsafe and may even reinforce the bad behavior, since it’s clear it pushes your buttons.

~Be immediately available to reconnect following a conflict. Conflict can be especially disturbing for children with insecure attachment or attachment disorders. After a conflict or tantrum where you’ve had to discipline your child, be ready to reconnect as soon as he or she is ready. This reinforces your consistency and love, and will help your child develop a trust that you’ll be there through thick and thin.

~Own up to mistakes and initiate repair. When you let frustration or anger get the best of you or you do something you realize is insensitive, quickly address the mistake. Your willingness to take responsibility and make amends can strengthen the attachment bond. Children with reactive attachment disorder or other attachment problems need to learn that although you may not be perfect, they will be loved, no matter what..."


Of course, there are also steps we can take, in advance, to try and prevent or eliminate certain behaviors.

"...~Set limits and boundaries. Consistent, loving boundaries make the world seem more predictable and less scary to children with attachment problems such as reactive attachment disorder. It’s important that they understand what behavior is expected of them, what is and isn’t acceptable, and what the consequences will be if they disregard the rules. This also teaches them that they have more control over what happens to them than they think.

~Try to maintain predictable routines and schedules. A child with an attachment disorder won’t instinctively rely on loved ones, and may feel threatened by transition and inconsistency—for example when traveling or during school vacations. A familiar routine or schedule can provide comfort during times of change..."


Remember..
*celebrate successes
*don't dwell on failures
*your child is fearfully and wonderfully made 'as is'
*there is JOY in your journey!


"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

Attachment Disorder

at·tach·ment [uh-tach-muhnt] –noun 2. a feeling that binds one to a person, thing, cause, ideal, or the like; devotion;.."
dis·or·der [dis-awr-der] –noun 4. a disturbance in physical or mental health or functions; malady or dysfunction.

At 'face value' one has to really ponder the meaning of these words to get the full meaning as it relates to initial deprivation and neglect by birth parents, foster care and adoption.

Attachment is the deep and lasting connection established between a child and caregiver in the first few years of life. It profoundly affects your child’s development and his or her ability to express emotions and develop relationships.

If you are the parent of a child with an attachment disorder, such as reactive attachment disorder, you may be physically and emotionally exhausted from trying to connect with your child, only to be met with opposition, defiance, or, maybe hardest of all, indifference.

A child with insecure attachment or an attachment disorder doesn’t have the skills necessary to build meaningful relationships. However, with the right tools, and a healthy dose of time, effort, patience, and love, it is possible to treat and repair attachment difficulties.

Children with attachment disorders or other attachment problems have difficulty connecting to others and managing their own emotions. This results in a lack of trust and self-worth, a fear of getting close to anyone, anger, and a need to be in control. A child with an attachment disorder feels unsafe and alone.

So why do some children develop attachment disorders while others don’t? The answer has to do with the attachment process, which relies on the interaction of both parent and child.

Attachment disorders are the result of negative experiences in this early relationship. If young children feel repeatedly abandoned, isolated, powerless, or uncared for—for whatever reason—they will learn that they can’t depend on others and the world is a dangerous and frightening place.

What causes reactive attachment disorder and other attachment problems?
Reactive attachment disorder and other attachment problems occur when children have been unable to consistently connect with a parent or primary caregiver. This can happen for many reasons:

A baby cries and no one responds or offers comfort.

A baby is hungry or wet, and they aren’t attended to for hours.

No one looks at, talks to, or smiles at the baby, so the baby feels alone.

A young child gets attention only by acting out or displaying other extreme behaviors.

A young child or baby is mistreated or abused.

Sometimes the child’s needs are met and sometimes they aren’t. The child never knows what to expect.

The infant or young child is hospitalized or separated from his or her parents.

A baby or young child is moved from one caregiver to another (can be the result of adoption, foster care, or the loss of a parent).

The parent is emotionally unavailable because of depression, an illness, or a substance abuse problem.

As the examples show, sometimes the circumstances that cause the attachment problems are unavoidable. But the child is too young to understand what has happened and why. To a young child, it just feels like no one cares and they lose trust in others and the world becomes an unsafe place.

Our family is going into our fifteenth year in dealing with these issues concerning attachment disorder within our family. Over the next few days, join me as I explore this complex topic and share our personal experiences. It is our hope and prayer that through sharing our story we can be of a help to someone and continue in our own healing process.