When Adopted Children Become Adults

At what point can we say a child becomes an adult? Some say age 18, some say 21. Regardless of the age, parenting and caring for adopted children with hidden disabilities will likely become more challenging as the child approaches adulthood. No matter the amount or quality of therapy, care or love they receive; the fact remains that many behaviors found in young children with special needs will follow them well into their adult years.

Oftentimes, it is very difficult for parents or caregivers to discern if the behaviors being exhibited are associated with a disorder or if they are "normal" age appropriate behaviors. If and when this is determined, the challenge of finding and utilizing the proper method of discipline for children with hidden disabilities can be extremely challenging.

Here are a few helpful tips from one of my favorite resources (helpguide.org). Although these are geared toward younger children, I believe they can be helpful when dealing with young adults with attachment disorder, fetal alcohol syndrome, as well as hidden disabilities and emotional disorders.


"~Take charge, yet remain calm when your child is upset or misbehaving. Remember that “bad” behavior means that your child doesn’t know how to handle what he or she is feeling and needs your help. By staying calm, you show your child that the feeling is manageable. If he or she is being purposefully defiant, follow through with the pre-established consequences in a cool, matter-of-fact manner. But never discipline a child with an attachment disorder when you’re in an emotionally-charged state. This makes the child feel more unsafe and may even reinforce the bad behavior, since it’s clear it pushes your buttons.

~Be immediately available to reconnect following a conflict. Conflict can be especially disturbing for children with insecure attachment or attachment disorders. After a conflict or tantrum where you’ve had to discipline your child, be ready to reconnect as soon as he or she is ready. This reinforces your consistency and love, and will help your child develop a trust that you’ll be there through thick and thin.

~Own up to mistakes and initiate repair. When you let frustration or anger get the best of you or you do something you realize is insensitive, quickly address the mistake. Your willingness to take responsibility and make amends can strengthen the attachment bond. Children with reactive attachment disorder or other attachment problems need to learn that although you may not be perfect, they will be loved, no matter what..."


Of course, there are also steps we can take, in advance, to try and prevent or eliminate certain behaviors.

"...~Set limits and boundaries. Consistent, loving boundaries make the world seem more predictable and less scary to children with attachment problems such as reactive attachment disorder. It’s important that they understand what behavior is expected of them, what is and isn’t acceptable, and what the consequences will be if they disregard the rules. This also teaches them that they have more control over what happens to them than they think.

~Try to maintain predictable routines and schedules. A child with an attachment disorder won’t instinctively rely on loved ones, and may feel threatened by transition and inconsistency—for example when traveling or during school vacations. A familiar routine or schedule can provide comfort during times of change..."


Remember..
*celebrate successes
*don't dwell on failures
*your child is fearfully and wonderfully made 'as is'
*there is JOY in your journey!


"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

Attachment Disorder

at·tach·ment [uh-tach-muhnt] –noun 2. a feeling that binds one to a person, thing, cause, ideal, or the like; devotion;.."
dis·or·der [dis-awr-der] –noun 4. a disturbance in physical or mental health or functions; malady or dysfunction.

At 'face value' one has to really ponder the meaning of these words to get the full meaning as it relates to initial deprivation and neglect by birth parents, foster care and adoption.

Attachment is the deep and lasting connection established between a child and caregiver in the first few years of life. It profoundly affects your child’s development and his or her ability to express emotions and develop relationships.

If you are the parent of a child with an attachment disorder, such as reactive attachment disorder, you may be physically and emotionally exhausted from trying to connect with your child, only to be met with opposition, defiance, or, maybe hardest of all, indifference.

A child with insecure attachment or an attachment disorder doesn’t have the skills necessary to build meaningful relationships. However, with the right tools, and a healthy dose of time, effort, patience, and love, it is possible to treat and repair attachment difficulties.

Children with attachment disorders or other attachment problems have difficulty connecting to others and managing their own emotions. This results in a lack of trust and self-worth, a fear of getting close to anyone, anger, and a need to be in control. A child with an attachment disorder feels unsafe and alone.

So why do some children develop attachment disorders while others don’t? The answer has to do with the attachment process, which relies on the interaction of both parent and child.

Attachment disorders are the result of negative experiences in this early relationship. If young children feel repeatedly abandoned, isolated, powerless, or uncared for—for whatever reason—they will learn that they can’t depend on others and the world is a dangerous and frightening place.

What causes reactive attachment disorder and other attachment problems?
Reactive attachment disorder and other attachment problems occur when children have been unable to consistently connect with a parent or primary caregiver. This can happen for many reasons:

A baby cries and no one responds or offers comfort.

A baby is hungry or wet, and they aren’t attended to for hours.

No one looks at, talks to, or smiles at the baby, so the baby feels alone.

A young child gets attention only by acting out or displaying other extreme behaviors.

A young child or baby is mistreated or abused.

Sometimes the child’s needs are met and sometimes they aren’t. The child never knows what to expect.

The infant or young child is hospitalized or separated from his or her parents.

A baby or young child is moved from one caregiver to another (can be the result of adoption, foster care, or the loss of a parent).

The parent is emotionally unavailable because of depression, an illness, or a substance abuse problem.

As the examples show, sometimes the circumstances that cause the attachment problems are unavoidable. But the child is too young to understand what has happened and why. To a young child, it just feels like no one cares and they lose trust in others and the world becomes an unsafe place.

Our family is going into our fifteenth year in dealing with these issues concerning attachment disorder within our family. Over the next few days, join me as I explore this complex topic and share our personal experiences. It is our hope and prayer that through sharing our story we can be of a help to someone and continue in our own healing process.

Hidden disabilities ~ Chosen Families

Listening to my favorite radio station yesterday I learned of a new organization. What caught my attention was the statment "Hidden Disabilities".

When raising children with attachment disorders, parents are often frustrated with the fact that things appear normal, while it is not always so on the inside. Much of the time we are groping in the darkness trying to discern what is going on inside our children's hearts and minds so that we can best meet our child's needs. This can be very frustrating for the child as well as the parent.

As I tuned in and really listened to the interview, I was comforted in hearing that I was not alone in learning first hand about a serious need of support for disabilities like autism, attachment disorder, bi-polar and other mental disabilities within the Body of Christ. Chosen Families President and CEO, Sharon Royce, explained how the organization "Chosen Familes" began out of this need for support. I am excited about learning more about this organization.

The next time you meet someone that has an adopted/foster child or a child with perhaps not so visible needs, remember that it is very likely that they are experiencing a measure of frustration in dealing with these attachment issues. Remember to pray for all of our families, no matter the need.