"So, Apparently I Have a Disability...."

After reading yesterday's blog post to my daughter, she said, "So, apparently, I have a disability".
dis·a·ble  [dis-ey-buhl] –verb (used with object), -bled, -bling. 1. to make unable or unfit; weaken or destroy the capability of; cripple; incapacitate: He was disabled by blindness. 2.to make legally incapable; disqualify.
dis·a·bil·i·ty [dis-uh-bil-i-tee] –noun, plural -ties 1. lack of adequate power, strength, or physical or mental ability; incapacity.

Her bold statement was followed by an awkward silence. It suddenly became clear that even before I began to research the subject of attachment disorders pertaining to adoption, I had been assuming 'guilt by association'. After all, she was adopted, her Mom neglected her, Dad was never a part of her life, she was in and out of foster care till she was 7 years old.

Let's do the math...

1+1+1+1=4 correct??

Not necessarily...

Thankfully, as in countless times before, the Holy Spirit came to the rescue to help bail me out of the mess I had gotten myself into. As always, He pointed us to Christ and allowed us to use this situation as a learning tool for both of us.

During the awkward silence immediately following my daughter's bold statement, my thoughts turned towards the deprivation of mankind. I mean, since the fall of man, don't we all suffer from being disabled?

Look back at the definition of disable. The example sentence used is "He was disabled by blindness." When Adam made the choice to disobey God and eat of the tree that he was commanded not to eat of, mankind experienced a spiritual blindness. We were separated from God.

I am so thankful that God made a way for us to regain our sight. He sent His only begotten Son as payment for our sins and the sins of the whole world.

It became obvious that I had forgotten to factor in certain equations into our "problem" such as:

~The Love of God that we experienced at the new birth and on a daily basis
~Daily provision of prayer
~God's Word and all of His Good Promises
~The Holy Spirit's Power to enable us to get through each day
~The countless number of God's Perfect Attributes ...

I believe this would cancel out some of the numbers in our original problem... don't you?

Let's redo the math...

1+1+1+1 + GOD = 0 ∞ (mathematical symbol for infinity)

Now...There is a solution that has been checked and rechecked.

The solution is Jesus. He has always been, is and always will be True. He has never failed one time!

"Blessed [be] the LORD, that hath given rest unto his people Israel, according to all that he promised: there hath not failed one word of all his good promise, which he promised by the hand of Moses his servant." 1Kings 8:56

To learn more about the free gift of salvation go to: http://www.lighthouse-baptist.com/go/free-gift or click on the link under helpful links above right.

THE LOVE OF GOD
The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;
The guilty pair, bowed down with care,
God gave His Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled,
And pardoned from his sin.

Oh, love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure—
The saints’ and angels’ song.

When hoary time shall pass away,
And earthly thrones and kingdoms fall,
When men who here refuse to pray,
On rocks and hills and mountains call,

God’s love so sure, shall still endure,
All measureless and strong;
Redeeming grace to Adam’s race—
The saints’ and angels’ song.

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade;

To write the love of God above
Would drain the ocean dry;
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

When Adopted Children Become Adults

At what point can we say a child becomes an adult? Some say age 18, some say 21. Regardless of the age, parenting and caring for adopted children with hidden disabilities will likely become more challenging as the child approaches adulthood. No matter the amount or quality of therapy, care or love they receive; the fact remains that many behaviors found in young children with special needs will follow them well into their adult years.

Oftentimes, it is very difficult for parents or caregivers to discern if the behaviors being exhibited are associated with a disorder or if they are "normal" age appropriate behaviors. If and when this is determined, the challenge of finding and utilizing the proper method of discipline for children with hidden disabilities can be extremely challenging.

Here are a few helpful tips from one of my favorite resources (helpguide.org). Although these are geared toward younger children, I believe they can be helpful when dealing with young adults with attachment disorder, fetal alcohol syndrome, as well as hidden disabilities and emotional disorders.


"~Take charge, yet remain calm when your child is upset or misbehaving. Remember that “bad” behavior means that your child doesn’t know how to handle what he or she is feeling and needs your help. By staying calm, you show your child that the feeling is manageable. If he or she is being purposefully defiant, follow through with the pre-established consequences in a cool, matter-of-fact manner. But never discipline a child with an attachment disorder when you’re in an emotionally-charged state. This makes the child feel more unsafe and may even reinforce the bad behavior, since it’s clear it pushes your buttons.

~Be immediately available to reconnect following a conflict. Conflict can be especially disturbing for children with insecure attachment or attachment disorders. After a conflict or tantrum where you’ve had to discipline your child, be ready to reconnect as soon as he or she is ready. This reinforces your consistency and love, and will help your child develop a trust that you’ll be there through thick and thin.

~Own up to mistakes and initiate repair. When you let frustration or anger get the best of you or you do something you realize is insensitive, quickly address the mistake. Your willingness to take responsibility and make amends can strengthen the attachment bond. Children with reactive attachment disorder or other attachment problems need to learn that although you may not be perfect, they will be loved, no matter what..."


Of course, there are also steps we can take, in advance, to try and prevent or eliminate certain behaviors.

"...~Set limits and boundaries. Consistent, loving boundaries make the world seem more predictable and less scary to children with attachment problems such as reactive attachment disorder. It’s important that they understand what behavior is expected of them, what is and isn’t acceptable, and what the consequences will be if they disregard the rules. This also teaches them that they have more control over what happens to them than they think.

~Try to maintain predictable routines and schedules. A child with an attachment disorder won’t instinctively rely on loved ones, and may feel threatened by transition and inconsistency—for example when traveling or during school vacations. A familiar routine or schedule can provide comfort during times of change..."


Remember..
*celebrate successes
*don't dwell on failures
*your child is fearfully and wonderfully made 'as is'
*there is JOY in your journey!


"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

The Head of the House

Although this cartoon is meant to be humorous... there is much to be said for a godly leader in a home in the day and time in which we live.



Our home is blessed to have one of the godliest men in the world as the head of our household.







What a Spiritual Leader May Look Like: Seventeen Characteristics of a Spiritual Leader

God has designed men to be the leaders of their home, their wife and
their kids. Reflect on these traits and see how you rate yourself based
on th ese guidelines of being a spiritual leader of your family.

1. He is the prayer leader at home

2. He has the family finances in order

3. He mentors his kids

4. He is a role model for his family & friends

5. He provides security & protection for the family

6. He meets the emotional needs of his wife & kids

7. He provides good, clean clear communication to his wife & kids

8. He strives to have a gentle tone in his words with his wife & kids

9. He is honorable & respectful to his wife & kids

10. He is an honest & trustworthy husband & dad

11. He is a responsible husband & dad

12. He is vulnerable with his wife & kids

13. He shows meekness to his wife & kids

14. He knows how to have fun with his wife & kids

15. He strives to be a man of integrity to his wife, family & friends

16. He strives to walk his talk to his wife, family & friends

17. He strives to show unconditional love to his wife & kids

Thank you, Ron Haney for being all of this and more. We are praying for you as you lead us.

INDIFFERENCE

Have you ever experienced a scenario that goes something like this? You are late, but you have exactly enough time to get to your destination, to the second. You pull out onto the two lane highway right behind a tractor trailer. In the other lane is a couple who are obviously happy just to be together and definitely not in any kind of rush to get anywhere anytime soon. Your heart starts pounding.. you tailgate.. your thought process is rapidly approaching the opposite end of the butterflies and rainbow spectrum. Neither driver seems to care that you are late. As a matter of fact, once they see your obvious show of traffic violations, they both take their feet off the gas pedal and coast a little. They could care less about your situation.

Now, in the words of the proverbial couch psychiatrist, "How does that make you feel?".


INDIFFERENCE.
in·dif·fer·ence   
[in-dif-er-uhns, -dif-ruhns]–noun
1. lack of interest or concern.
2. unimportance; little or no concern

In my last entry, I quoted an article that said: "If you are the parent of a child with an attachment disorder, such as reactive attachment disorder, you may be physically and emotionally exhausted from trying to connect with your child, only to be met with opposition, defiance, or, maybe hardest of all, indifference." Today I ponder this word 'indifference' and think of the many ways that God is helping me see His Great Love for me through this opposition.

The story of the pearl. "At some time in the course of the oyster’s development, a foreign substance such as a grain of sand gets into the little muscle and irritates the oyster. In response, the oyster covers that irritant with a secretion. The longer the irritation is there, the more the oyster coats it. Pearl oysters vary in size and can be quite rough and ugly. Yet what is happening inside is a combination of rainbows, moonlight, and bits of flame. Once the oyster accepts the irritation as part of itself, the pearl begins to develop. The worst storms, gales, even hurricanes will not dislodge it. As time goes by and this oyster is finally pulled up from the bed where it has been for many years, it is opened only to reveal a beautiful pearl."

Many times I stood in front of my child trying to get her to see why she should care about her behavior and I was met with a blank "indifferent" stare. I suppose many young people exhibit the attitude of indifference. The difference in most young people is the fact that this attitude comes and goes. With our special situation it stays. This indifference has become my irritating grain of sand. I am doing my best to trust that it will one day become a pearl of great price that I can purchase a crown to cast at my Savior's feet.

Will There Be Any Stars In My Crown

I am thinking today of that beautiful land I shall reach when the sun goeth down;
When thru wonderful grace by my Savior I stand,
Will there be any stars in my crown?

Will there be any stars, any stars in my crown
When at evenin' the sun goeth down
When I wake with the blest, in those mansions of rest,
Will there be any stars in my crown?

In the strength of the Lord let me labor and pray,
Let me watch as a winner of souls;
That bright stars may be mine in the glorious day,
When His praise like the sea billow rolls

O what joy it will be when His face I behold,
Living gems at His feet to lay down;
It would sweeten my bliss in the city of gold,
Should there be any stars in my crown

Attachment Disorder

at·tach·ment [uh-tach-muhnt] –noun 2. a feeling that binds one to a person, thing, cause, ideal, or the like; devotion;.."
dis·or·der [dis-awr-der] –noun 4. a disturbance in physical or mental health or functions; malady or dysfunction.

At 'face value' one has to really ponder the meaning of these words to get the full meaning as it relates to initial deprivation and neglect by birth parents, foster care and adoption.

Attachment is the deep and lasting connection established between a child and caregiver in the first few years of life. It profoundly affects your child’s development and his or her ability to express emotions and develop relationships.

If you are the parent of a child with an attachment disorder, such as reactive attachment disorder, you may be physically and emotionally exhausted from trying to connect with your child, only to be met with opposition, defiance, or, maybe hardest of all, indifference.

A child with insecure attachment or an attachment disorder doesn’t have the skills necessary to build meaningful relationships. However, with the right tools, and a healthy dose of time, effort, patience, and love, it is possible to treat and repair attachment difficulties.

Children with attachment disorders or other attachment problems have difficulty connecting to others and managing their own emotions. This results in a lack of trust and self-worth, a fear of getting close to anyone, anger, and a need to be in control. A child with an attachment disorder feels unsafe and alone.

So why do some children develop attachment disorders while others don’t? The answer has to do with the attachment process, which relies on the interaction of both parent and child.

Attachment disorders are the result of negative experiences in this early relationship. If young children feel repeatedly abandoned, isolated, powerless, or uncared for—for whatever reason—they will learn that they can’t depend on others and the world is a dangerous and frightening place.

What causes reactive attachment disorder and other attachment problems?
Reactive attachment disorder and other attachment problems occur when children have been unable to consistently connect with a parent or primary caregiver. This can happen for many reasons:

A baby cries and no one responds or offers comfort.

A baby is hungry or wet, and they aren’t attended to for hours.

No one looks at, talks to, or smiles at the baby, so the baby feels alone.

A young child gets attention only by acting out or displaying other extreme behaviors.

A young child or baby is mistreated or abused.

Sometimes the child’s needs are met and sometimes they aren’t. The child never knows what to expect.

The infant or young child is hospitalized or separated from his or her parents.

A baby or young child is moved from one caregiver to another (can be the result of adoption, foster care, or the loss of a parent).

The parent is emotionally unavailable because of depression, an illness, or a substance abuse problem.

As the examples show, sometimes the circumstances that cause the attachment problems are unavoidable. But the child is too young to understand what has happened and why. To a young child, it just feels like no one cares and they lose trust in others and the world becomes an unsafe place.

Our family is going into our fifteenth year in dealing with these issues concerning attachment disorder within our family. Over the next few days, join me as I explore this complex topic and share our personal experiences. It is our hope and prayer that through sharing our story we can be of a help to someone and continue in our own healing process.

Hidden disabilities ~ Chosen Families

Listening to my favorite radio station yesterday I learned of a new organization. What caught my attention was the statment "Hidden Disabilities".

When raising children with attachment disorders, parents are often frustrated with the fact that things appear normal, while it is not always so on the inside. Much of the time we are groping in the darkness trying to discern what is going on inside our children's hearts and minds so that we can best meet our child's needs. This can be very frustrating for the child as well as the parent.

As I tuned in and really listened to the interview, I was comforted in hearing that I was not alone in learning first hand about a serious need of support for disabilities like autism, attachment disorder, bi-polar and other mental disabilities within the Body of Christ. Chosen Families President and CEO, Sharon Royce, explained how the organization "Chosen Familes" began out of this need for support. I am excited about learning more about this organization.

The next time you meet someone that has an adopted/foster child or a child with perhaps not so visible needs, remember that it is very likely that they are experiencing a measure of frustration in dealing with these attachment issues. Remember to pray for all of our families, no matter the need.

Are we 'there' yet?

Each milestone it seems that we should 'arrive' at some point. But I am learning that this is not the case. I will be the first to admit that I seem to be suffering with separation issues concerning my oldest daughter.

When I adopted her, something within me changed. God seemed to knit our hearts together so tightly that I don't think we were ever meant to be separated. She had gone through so much, that I promised nothing would ever happen to her to put her in that situation ever again.. and I was going to see to it that it didn't.

Now, she is old enough to be on her own.. old enough, but not ready. Not ready, because I have held her too tightly.

Enter fear...

God is working on me.. helping me to release her in the proper manner.

Stay tuned...

Through the Fires

As we look towards a Mother/Daughter Banquet at our church, and I read about the speaker that is to bring a testimony of her own mother pulling her from a fire, surviving after 60 + surgeries, I can't help but think of our adoption story. It is equally amazing to me to think of just what adoptive families go through from day to day as we continually pull our daughters and sons out of fire after fire. From the fires of deprivation and rejection, to dealing with loss and special needs, acceptance by peers and others, to the continual picking up of the broken pieces; each day brings a different type of fire with different wounds and 'surgeries' the Lord performs on our hearts. Although it is a great tragedy, having gone through physical pain of a fire, we cannot begin to imagine the hidden scars of our own sons and daughters. I am thankful for the Great Physician that heals us from all our diseases, both physical and emotional.

April 7th, 2010

Tomorrow will be exactly 3 months that our oldest daughter drove away from the hotel parking lot in Powell Tennessee to begin a new chapter of her life at Crown Bible College. It really seems like alot more than three months have passed. One thing I realized is that when I asked the LORD to knit our hearts together those 10 years ago, HE REALLY knit them together!

As much as I selfishly looked forward to the peace that would surely come with only having one teenager in the home to worry about, I realized just how much the seemingly troubling "issues" were paramount in keeping my ultimate peace! Today I long for a phone call, email or facebook post, only to find a daughter that is too busy with friends and her hectic schedule to have a minute to contact her parents.



My husband gently reminds me of how we treated our parents at that age, putting our friends first, not contacting them for weeks at a time, and not even realizing the hurt that we may have caused them. He reminds me of how the Bible tells us ultimately to leave our mothers and our homes when we are married...I wonder if this is what it means to "raise our children in sorrow".

As our youngest daughter looks at getting her driver's license and finishes her first year of high school I can't help but realize how it seems like yesterday that our oldest was doing the same. Seems like just yesterday. These precious moments are fleeting.

Enjoy your precious time with your children, for too soon they will be gone.

Suddenly...an only child

Life!
Changes...

One day you wake up and you are 15 years old.

Everything has changed.